Even me.

“Ya right, Tara goes to church and found God???” Five years ago these words were spoken about me to a friend.  I had just started going to church and it really bothered my friend that someone said that to her.  To me it seemed like a logical question; even I couldn’t understand it then.  Last night I was with that same friend that it bothered, and this was mentioned in our conversation. It brought tears to my eyes thinking about it. Yep, even me, Jesus saved someone like me.

Let me take you back five years ago to help you understand why someone could say something like that. I was known as “the party.” Many people knew that I was all about painting the town red. Sex, drugs and rock and roll right? This is what I grew up hearing all over the media and this is what became important to me.  I became a professional. I could out drink most the guys I knew. Looking on the outside I was fun, free, and popular, but on the inside only I knew the truth; I was hurting, lonely, and completely lost. It was becoming more and more clear that I was only destroying myself when every morning I was waking up hung-over.  I could feel God starting to nudge me but I didn’t know anything about God or church. I hadn’t walked into a church since I was a child. I began asking friends if they believed in God or went to church. Of course, my faithful friend, the one mentioned above, answered with yes.  Well at this point I knew God was the answer and I even knew where to find him, but it took some more falling before I would actually call on him. The night I cried out to God I remember plainly. It was probably around four in the morning, the party was over, and I was feeling the effects of coming down off the nights “recreations.”  I was sitting in the middle of the floor crying in pain. I knew if I kept going this way, I would die but I didn’t know how to stop. I asked God please kill the old me, let me start over.  That was on a Friday. Sunday I went to church and I kid you not the sermon was on killing our old flesh and being made new in Christ!!! I was totally freaked out that my exact question was answered exactly by God! I turned my life over at that moment. It was just what I needed. Needless to say not everyone understood or believed that someone “like me” could find God. I certainly wasn’t “church material.”  

It makes me cry even as I write this knowing that the God who made the stars pursued me. He loves me. He died for me. He made me new! He kept his promise to me that day and every day since. With His help and by His mercy the old me is dead.  (2 Cor 5:17) I understand where that person was coming from when they said that, its craziness to think that God loved someone like me, but that’s just it, He does! I don’t understand it but am so grateful for it.  No one is too far gone. No one is too dirty for God to clean or too sinful for God to make righteous! I started reading my bible and learning scripture like “I didn’t come for the healthy, I came for the sick” Jesus says in Mark.  Or the fact that Moses who wrote down and gave the Ten Commandments, murdered someone before God called Him.  David, who is called “a man after Gods heart” committed adultery. God loves everyone and can save anyone. His love is so grand He sent His son to die so that we might know Him.  He can even use people like me, an old druggie/drunk/home wrecker who cried out in desperation.  His word says He only needs a broken and contrite heart (Psalms 51:15)

To my friend who couldn’t believe I found God, I didn’t find Him, He found me. I love God because He first loved me! Five years later, I am serving Him with my whole heart. I stumble and miss the mark sometimes but God is faithful to complete the work He started in me!(Phil 1:6)

Lord~

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving me. Thank you for redeeming and restoring me. I remember that person as many others do, but your word tells me you threw my sins away as far as the east is to the west. Thank you Father. Thank you for giving me New life IN you! God help me share this message. Help me tell my testimony to the lost and hurting; the ones who might think that they are too messed up for your grace. Lord, I know that your grace is sufficient.  Father, thank you for all you do and are doing in my life. I truly love you.

In your son’s name I pray,

Amen

The Thunder Storm

This weekend was wonderful. My husband and I packed up and took our puppy camping. This was our first time camping as a family. The days were filled with sunshine, swimming and fishing. We learned that our puppy, that is a mixed breed Chihuahua and dachshund, can in fact swim. He has always been afraid of the water but with temperatures pushing 100 degrees he willingly and gladly jumped off the dock and swam to shore. My husband and I both watching to make sure the little guy could make the journey. Of course he did and he felt so much better afterwards.

The nights however were very different from the days.  Every night we camped, it stormed. Normally I love thunder and lightning. Even as a child I loved storms. I do not remember a time where I was scared because of the weather. My mom, my brother and I would always sit outside and watch the vibrant lightning flash across the sky and then count until the thunder came. Of course, a sure proof way to measure how far the lightning was from us. So we thought J  This time though, was different. Something about being in the middle of nowhere changed how safe I felt.  I was terrified. We were in a little tent, on the river, bordered by trees, oh and little metal poles holding the tent up, my brain couldn’t shake the thought that I’m surrounded by lightning attractors. My husband did his best to comfort me but I was too far freaked out.    The ironic part was the song that kept repeating itself in my head. “Holy Spirit you are welcome here, Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.” And then it goes on to say, “Let us become more aware of your presence.” Even in my fear I had to laugh at the irony. I spent that whole night praying mainly for God to make it stop or to give me peace all the while I was probably missing His presence.

The next day I thought about this. How many times do I miss peace in His presence because I’m afraid? Sadly, probably more than I want to admit right now. I can be a scaredy cat. God brought to my mind Mark 4:35-41. He and his disciples were on a boat when a huge storm came. Jesus was sleeping in the back of the boat while this storm is pounding against the side. The disciples woke him asking “Do you not care that we are perishing?”  Jesus then told the sea and storm to be still. In that instance it went away and Jesus then looked at his followers and said “why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” Wow. Yep God, that was me.  Here I was in the middle of a storm yet I forgot who was with me. Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith? These are good questions. What exactly was I afraid of? Where was my faith at that moment?  Few things show both the beauty and power of the Almighty God like a strong thunder and lightning storm but my mind was fixed on fear, not on Him. I missed a wonderful opportunity to admire Him. I do not want this to happen again. I want to sleep in the back of the boat snuggled up with Jesus knowing in His presence I will always be safe.

Father,

Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you that your faithfulness is so much greater than mine. Lord, forgive me for my fear. Forgive me for not seeing your beauty but instead being so wrapped up in my circumstances.  God I want to learn to rest in your presence. Help me with this please. Help me to keep my eyes on you and you alone.

In Jesus Holy name,

Amen.