Relapse

Relapse is part of recovery. I remember hearing that a long time ago thinking “what?” if you’re going to relapse what’s the point. There has to be a way to just stop. It wasn’t until I was introduced to Jesus did I see that HE is the only way this is possible. You see, when I came to know Jesus and truly surrender my life to him, I started taking his word as literal and truth.  It tells me that if anyone is in Christ he is brand New (2 cor 5:17) In Ephesians we are told to put off the old man with his deeds. (Ephesians 4:22)  One of my favorite bible verses says, “Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage!” (Galatians 5:1) The bible tells me that Jesus frees us and even warns us not to go back into the bondage we were once slaves to.  

My heart has been so heavy regarding this topic for awhile now. I’ve been wrestling with God about it; taking my questions and concerns before the throne. If Gods word says we are set free, why are so many people relapsing?  If Gods word tells us to put off the old man; wouldn’t He equip us to do that? I was wresting because Gods word and life just wasn’t syncing up in this situation.  God does promise in His word he will protect us, ” There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.” (1 cor 10:13) So, what is going on??

God showed me two things. One Satan is alive and well, the second, we don’t realize it. We listen to the warning but we don’t really take heed. We have heard there is a battle for our souls but since it’s not physical we have a hard time comprehending it.  The bible says several times in different ways, wake up, and watch out, stay sober, we are at war and your enemy is seeking to kill you!  It says He’s like a roaring lion looking to devour (1peter 5:8) This is scary. If we are off guard’ or “sleeping”, we can easily become prey.  We need to wake up and realize the battle is real.

The great news, the best news, the battle is already won! Jesus Christ wins! He is mightier than the Devil, and His Spirit lives in us!! We are more than able to withstand the enemy’s attacks because we have Jesus. We don’t have to say things like “relapse is part of recovery” We get to stand firm on the Truth that we are a new creation! That Jesus, when we are tempted, will make a way for us to escape it. Yes, we will be tempted, Jesus was tempted, and there will be hard days but God really is big enough to carry you through! He Promises. I have to believe that what He promises, He keeps!  Thank you Lord! I wrote this poem this morning when talking to God,

The devil whispers “take a chance, one more time, and one last dance.”

He sees your weak; he sees it in your eyes,

And you forget that he is the father of lies.

 His lies sound sweet, he makes a point.

What will it hurt to smoke one little joint.

To take that pill or have a shot,

 You tell yourself, I just won’t get caught.

Well it turns out just one didn’t do,

You up the dose;  it now controls you.

 Again in bondage, how can this be?

 Not long ago, Jesus set you free.  

He picked you up from the mire and clay.

Put a song in your heart, and a joy to proclaim.

Why didn’t you listen, why weren’t you prepared?

To rebuke the lies the devil had shared.

Others had warned you, Satan is real;

 You read in God’s word, he’s looking to kill.

Now you believe, and you know it’s true.

Satan has tried destroying you.

 God’s heart is broken that you turned away,

 But his arms are open, just run back his way.  

His way is pure, He’s righteous and light.

 He is love, and joy and fighting the fight.

We’re in a war, the side you get to choose.

Gods side, you’re a conqueror; Satan’s side, you lose!

The Truth

This week I learned the truth about something. It was extremely painful for me to hear and even harder for me to try to understand. It was the kind of truth that sent me straight to the cross. I ran into Jesus arms crying. I wept at the foot of the cross trying to understand the truth that just changed my reality.  At first, all I could do was cry with Jesus. I told him how much it hurt, how it wasn’t fair. I sat there in his presence for a long time just needing to be held. Jesus sent many of His people to speak His love into my life. He sent His angels to protect me. He allowed me to cry, but then I heard Him speak, “Tara, it was still the truth even if you hadn’t heard it.”  This statement has been my focus for a few days now.

The truth is the truth whether I know it or not.  It isn’t the truth that hurts us. Jesus says the Truth will set us free; it’s realizing that we were previously deceived. The reality is I like to not know. I think society can be that way as well; hence the saying ignorance is bliss. I can almost prefer to keep my eyes closed. The problem with that is; Jesus is truth. When I keep my eyes closed I don’t see what Jesus is doing.  When I pray and say things like whatever your will Jesus, I have to be ready to handle the truth He shows me. Regardless. God loves me so much He allowed me to see the Truth.

He also showed me that once the truth is revealed, God can work.  I’ve seen many people hurt because they discovered the truth and at that point they walk away from God.  Please don’t walk away from God when He shows you something. No matter how painful because once the DR reveals the condition; He can heal it!  Just like when the Lord first shows us our condition without him. When he first brought into light what a sinner I was and how desperate I was for Him, it was rough.  I certainly didn’t want to face it. So, I didn’t for awhile, probably about a year, but then when I finally accepted it, God started healing me.  In actuality; I was filthy whether God showed me or not but His love is so great that He brought it to light. He then began cleaning me up and sanctifying me.  What a beautiful process. Who I am today is solely because I finally came to a place and accepted Truth. I would’ve never thought six years later I would be where I am. I know that while this new truth I discovered hurts now, I can’t wait to see the end product. To see how the Great Almighty God cleans it up and heals it.

God~

Thank you for your Truth. Thank you that you love me enough to reveal truth to.  You are a mighty gracious, merciful God. Lord, even though this hurts now I know there will be joy in the morning. You promise. Lord, help me to never fear hearing your truth. Thank you for this chance to again rely completely on you. I love how close you are to me in storms. Jesus, thank you for being Truth.  Thank you for always answering prayer and for your Love. Thank you that your ways and thoughts are higher than mine always. I will always put my trust in you and love you for always.

In Jesus precious name

Amen.

Back to School

Whew, school is back in session. Busy, busy, busy. I took the summer off and am exhausted trying to get back in the habit of go go going. Between working, school, and church my days are jam packed. The first day back in school wasn’t the best for me.  I am taking math which starts at 7 am; not the best decision on my part, so my morning started off earlier than I am used to. I jump started it when I realized I lost my parking pass; A must have if you want any chance of finding a parking place. I ran out the door early so that I could find a parking spot only to forget my swim suit that I needed for water aerobics. I had to turn and go back around defeating the whole purpose of leaving early.  Things only continued down this crazy chaotic path for the remainder of that day. I had wardrobe malfunction when my back pack grabbed part of my dress exposing me. Thankfully I caught on before anyone else did, and of course my days wouldn’t be complete without me clumsily hurting myself. I was running out of the building at a remarkable speed pushed on a door clearly marked pull only to meet it dead head on; with witnesses I must add. At this point I started laughing thinking that this would make a great sitcom. Yep my first day was AWESOME.  :-/

The next day was very similar, but without the comedic relief. I was under slept and over whelmed. I wanted to cry. I wasn’t sure if I could handle the class load I set up for myself this semester. I wasn’t feeling confident that I could understand the material being taught to me. I just wasn’t sure of anything and that left me sad and scared. I was talking to God throughout the day as usual, but it was more me going to him whining.  As I was heading in to one of my classes I overheard a phone conversation that said, “Let me pray with you.” This stopped me in my tracks. I looked over and saw a young guy maybe in his twenties, head bowed, and eyes closed, praying for his friend over the phone. I know this doesn’t seem like much but it was smack dab in the center of the busy chaos of a college campus. College kids his age were scurrying by to their next class and he was right in the middle of traffic stopped and praying!! This was exactly what I needed.  God reminded me right then that He was there. He was in that school with me. He was walking through the madness by my side. I saw a picture of what it looks like when I stop looking at the commotion and instead look at Him. At the core of the hustle and shuffle of school one kid bowed his head and light emanated from it. He showed me Gods presence.

Sometimes in the chaos it’s easy to get your focus off center. It happens fast; then all you see is the disorder.  I forgot that my eyes need to be on the Lord. I forgot that I can do ALL things through Jesus Christ. (Phil 4:13) I didn’t remember that He goes before all of my days and has His hand is upon me. (Psalm 139:5) I lost sight of my focal point and this student who didn’t lose his, was able to remind me. Praise the Lord. God is everywhere. His blessings are surrounding us. We need only to look for them; we need to look for Him.

Lord,

Thank you for showing me yourself. Thank you lord for loving someone like me who’s so forgetful. I can get carried away and take my eyes off of you but you always bring me back.  Thank you for being there with me.  You walk with me through all situations even when they seem so out of control. God you are my everything. Help me Father to keep my focal point. Help me to run to you, to see you, and to draw my strength from you. Thank you lord for your faithful servant who was willing to pray that day and remind me. Bless that person God for shining your light. I love you Lord.

In your Son’s Holy name,

Amen.

The Vision

Hurt. There is so much grief around me right now sometimes it gets difficult. It’s a storm for many people. It is not just a little rainstorm but a down pour; one that is truly taking people’s lives.  This has been very challenging to watch. I hate seeing people I love hurting.  Circumstances lately have cut me to the core. So much so, I don’t know how to pray about it. Praise God that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.

I was crying before the Lord one day when He showed me a vision; I was in a place like the Antarctic. It was icy everywhere and my friends and close families were standing on the ice and it was breaking and dropping them into the freezing water. I cried out saying “Help, Lord I don’t feel safe!” God heard my cries and showed me that although I thought I was standing on the ice as well, I was actually standing on Rock. He told me that I was safe because my foundation was built on him and that I was to pull people out of the water and bring them up onto the Rock; Jesus of course.  Matthew 7 tells us that a man who builds on the rock will be the only ones standing when the storm comes.  He showed me that the ONLY FOUNDATION THAT WILL STAND IS HIM. That’s it. Sadly, it’s easy to build foundations on things we think will hold us, our job, our spouse, ect. But everything except Jesus can fall.  He also showed me that I have to make sure I am grounded with Jesus to be any help to anyone. If I am also standing on ice it does no good to grab someone just to take them down with me.  I have to have Him as a firm foundation.

This storm has brought up hurt and fear in me but God has reminded me where I stand. He loves me so much and as long as I cling to him, my foundation won’t crumble.  The circumstances haven’t gotten any better. In some cases probably worse but I am going to keep grabbing people and pulling them onto the Rock, pointing them to Jesus!

Even me.

“Ya right, Tara goes to church and found God???” Five years ago these words were spoken about me to a friend.  I had just started going to church and it really bothered my friend that someone said that to her.  To me it seemed like a logical question; even I couldn’t understand it then.  Last night I was with that same friend that it bothered, and this was mentioned in our conversation. It brought tears to my eyes thinking about it. Yep, even me, Jesus saved someone like me.

Let me take you back five years ago to help you understand why someone could say something like that. I was known as “the party.” Many people knew that I was all about painting the town red. Sex, drugs and rock and roll right? This is what I grew up hearing all over the media and this is what became important to me.  I became a professional. I could out drink most the guys I knew. Looking on the outside I was fun, free, and popular, but on the inside only I knew the truth; I was hurting, lonely, and completely lost. It was becoming more and more clear that I was only destroying myself when every morning I was waking up hung-over.  I could feel God starting to nudge me but I didn’t know anything about God or church. I hadn’t walked into a church since I was a child. I began asking friends if they believed in God or went to church. Of course, my faithful friend, the one mentioned above, answered with yes.  Well at this point I knew God was the answer and I even knew where to find him, but it took some more falling before I would actually call on him. The night I cried out to God I remember plainly. It was probably around four in the morning, the party was over, and I was feeling the effects of coming down off the nights “recreations.”  I was sitting in the middle of the floor crying in pain. I knew if I kept going this way, I would die but I didn’t know how to stop. I asked God please kill the old me, let me start over.  That was on a Friday. Sunday I went to church and I kid you not the sermon was on killing our old flesh and being made new in Christ!!! I was totally freaked out that my exact question was answered exactly by God! I turned my life over at that moment. It was just what I needed. Needless to say not everyone understood or believed that someone “like me” could find God. I certainly wasn’t “church material.”  

It makes me cry even as I write this knowing that the God who made the stars pursued me. He loves me. He died for me. He made me new! He kept his promise to me that day and every day since. With His help and by His mercy the old me is dead.  (2 Cor 5:17) I understand where that person was coming from when they said that, its craziness to think that God loved someone like me, but that’s just it, He does! I don’t understand it but am so grateful for it.  No one is too far gone. No one is too dirty for God to clean or too sinful for God to make righteous! I started reading my bible and learning scripture like “I didn’t come for the healthy, I came for the sick” Jesus says in Mark.  Or the fact that Moses who wrote down and gave the Ten Commandments, murdered someone before God called Him.  David, who is called “a man after Gods heart” committed adultery. God loves everyone and can save anyone. His love is so grand He sent His son to die so that we might know Him.  He can even use people like me, an old druggie/drunk/home wrecker who cried out in desperation.  His word says He only needs a broken and contrite heart (Psalms 51:15)

To my friend who couldn’t believe I found God, I didn’t find Him, He found me. I love God because He first loved me! Five years later, I am serving Him with my whole heart. I stumble and miss the mark sometimes but God is faithful to complete the work He started in me!(Phil 1:6)

Lord~

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving me. Thank you for redeeming and restoring me. I remember that person as many others do, but your word tells me you threw my sins away as far as the east is to the west. Thank you Father. Thank you for giving me New life IN you! God help me share this message. Help me tell my testimony to the lost and hurting; the ones who might think that they are too messed up for your grace. Lord, I know that your grace is sufficient.  Father, thank you for all you do and are doing in my life. I truly love you.

In your son’s name I pray,

Amen

The Thunder Storm

This weekend was wonderful. My husband and I packed up and took our puppy camping. This was our first time camping as a family. The days were filled with sunshine, swimming and fishing. We learned that our puppy, that is a mixed breed Chihuahua and dachshund, can in fact swim. He has always been afraid of the water but with temperatures pushing 100 degrees he willingly and gladly jumped off the dock and swam to shore. My husband and I both watching to make sure the little guy could make the journey. Of course he did and he felt so much better afterwards.

The nights however were very different from the days.  Every night we camped, it stormed. Normally I love thunder and lightning. Even as a child I loved storms. I do not remember a time where I was scared because of the weather. My mom, my brother and I would always sit outside and watch the vibrant lightning flash across the sky and then count until the thunder came. Of course, a sure proof way to measure how far the lightning was from us. So we thought J  This time though, was different. Something about being in the middle of nowhere changed how safe I felt.  I was terrified. We were in a little tent, on the river, bordered by trees, oh and little metal poles holding the tent up, my brain couldn’t shake the thought that I’m surrounded by lightning attractors. My husband did his best to comfort me but I was too far freaked out.    The ironic part was the song that kept repeating itself in my head. “Holy Spirit you are welcome here, Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.” And then it goes on to say, “Let us become more aware of your presence.” Even in my fear I had to laugh at the irony. I spent that whole night praying mainly for God to make it stop or to give me peace all the while I was probably missing His presence.

The next day I thought about this. How many times do I miss peace in His presence because I’m afraid? Sadly, probably more than I want to admit right now. I can be a scaredy cat. God brought to my mind Mark 4:35-41. He and his disciples were on a boat when a huge storm came. Jesus was sleeping in the back of the boat while this storm is pounding against the side. The disciples woke him asking “Do you not care that we are perishing?”  Jesus then told the sea and storm to be still. In that instance it went away and Jesus then looked at his followers and said “why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” Wow. Yep God, that was me.  Here I was in the middle of a storm yet I forgot who was with me. Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith? These are good questions. What exactly was I afraid of? Where was my faith at that moment?  Few things show both the beauty and power of the Almighty God like a strong thunder and lightning storm but my mind was fixed on fear, not on Him. I missed a wonderful opportunity to admire Him. I do not want this to happen again. I want to sleep in the back of the boat snuggled up with Jesus knowing in His presence I will always be safe.

Father,

Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you that your faithfulness is so much greater than mine. Lord, forgive me for my fear. Forgive me for not seeing your beauty but instead being so wrapped up in my circumstances.  God I want to learn to rest in your presence. Help me with this please. Help me to keep my eyes on you and you alone.

In Jesus Holy name,

Amen.