The Vision

Hurt. There is so much grief around me right now sometimes it gets difficult. It’s a storm for many people. It is not just a little rainstorm but a down pour; one that is truly taking people’s lives.  This has been very challenging to watch. I hate seeing people I love hurting.  Circumstances lately have cut me to the core. So much so, I don’t know how to pray about it. Praise God that the Holy Spirit intercedes for us.

I was crying before the Lord one day when He showed me a vision; I was in a place like the Antarctic. It was icy everywhere and my friends and close families were standing on the ice and it was breaking and dropping them into the freezing water. I cried out saying “Help, Lord I don’t feel safe!” God heard my cries and showed me that although I thought I was standing on the ice as well, I was actually standing on Rock. He told me that I was safe because my foundation was built on him and that I was to pull people out of the water and bring them up onto the Rock; Jesus of course.  Matthew 7 tells us that a man who builds on the rock will be the only ones standing when the storm comes.  He showed me that the ONLY FOUNDATION THAT WILL STAND IS HIM. That’s it. Sadly, it’s easy to build foundations on things we think will hold us, our job, our spouse, ect. But everything except Jesus can fall.  He also showed me that I have to make sure I am grounded with Jesus to be any help to anyone. If I am also standing on ice it does no good to grab someone just to take them down with me.  I have to have Him as a firm foundation.

This storm has brought up hurt and fear in me but God has reminded me where I stand. He loves me so much and as long as I cling to him, my foundation won’t crumble.  The circumstances haven’t gotten any better. In some cases probably worse but I am going to keep grabbing people and pulling them onto the Rock, pointing them to Jesus!

Even me.

“Ya right, Tara goes to church and found God???” Five years ago these words were spoken about me to a friend.  I had just started going to church and it really bothered my friend that someone said that to her.  To me it seemed like a logical question; even I couldn’t understand it then.  Last night I was with that same friend that it bothered, and this was mentioned in our conversation. It brought tears to my eyes thinking about it. Yep, even me, Jesus saved someone like me.

Let me take you back five years ago to help you understand why someone could say something like that. I was known as “the party.” Many people knew that I was all about painting the town red. Sex, drugs and rock and roll right? This is what I grew up hearing all over the media and this is what became important to me.  I became a professional. I could out drink most the guys I knew. Looking on the outside I was fun, free, and popular, but on the inside only I knew the truth; I was hurting, lonely, and completely lost. It was becoming more and more clear that I was only destroying myself when every morning I was waking up hung-over.  I could feel God starting to nudge me but I didn’t know anything about God or church. I hadn’t walked into a church since I was a child. I began asking friends if they believed in God or went to church. Of course, my faithful friend, the one mentioned above, answered with yes.  Well at this point I knew God was the answer and I even knew where to find him, but it took some more falling before I would actually call on him. The night I cried out to God I remember plainly. It was probably around four in the morning, the party was over, and I was feeling the effects of coming down off the nights “recreations.”  I was sitting in the middle of the floor crying in pain. I knew if I kept going this way, I would die but I didn’t know how to stop. I asked God please kill the old me, let me start over.  That was on a Friday. Sunday I went to church and I kid you not the sermon was on killing our old flesh and being made new in Christ!!! I was totally freaked out that my exact question was answered exactly by God! I turned my life over at that moment. It was just what I needed. Needless to say not everyone understood or believed that someone “like me” could find God. I certainly wasn’t “church material.”  

It makes me cry even as I write this knowing that the God who made the stars pursued me. He loves me. He died for me. He made me new! He kept his promise to me that day and every day since. With His help and by His mercy the old me is dead.  (2 Cor 5:17) I understand where that person was coming from when they said that, its craziness to think that God loved someone like me, but that’s just it, He does! I don’t understand it but am so grateful for it.  No one is too far gone. No one is too dirty for God to clean or too sinful for God to make righteous! I started reading my bible and learning scripture like “I didn’t come for the healthy, I came for the sick” Jesus says in Mark.  Or the fact that Moses who wrote down and gave the Ten Commandments, murdered someone before God called Him.  David, who is called “a man after Gods heart” committed adultery. God loves everyone and can save anyone. His love is so grand He sent His son to die so that we might know Him.  He can even use people like me, an old druggie/drunk/home wrecker who cried out in desperation.  His word says He only needs a broken and contrite heart (Psalms 51:15)

To my friend who couldn’t believe I found God, I didn’t find Him, He found me. I love God because He first loved me! Five years later, I am serving Him with my whole heart. I stumble and miss the mark sometimes but God is faithful to complete the work He started in me!(Phil 1:6)

Lord~

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving me. Thank you for redeeming and restoring me. I remember that person as many others do, but your word tells me you threw my sins away as far as the east is to the west. Thank you Father. Thank you for giving me New life IN you! God help me share this message. Help me tell my testimony to the lost and hurting; the ones who might think that they are too messed up for your grace. Lord, I know that your grace is sufficient.  Father, thank you for all you do and are doing in my life. I truly love you.

In your son’s name I pray,

Amen

The Thunder Storm

This weekend was wonderful. My husband and I packed up and took our puppy camping. This was our first time camping as a family. The days were filled with sunshine, swimming and fishing. We learned that our puppy, that is a mixed breed Chihuahua and dachshund, can in fact swim. He has always been afraid of the water but with temperatures pushing 100 degrees he willingly and gladly jumped off the dock and swam to shore. My husband and I both watching to make sure the little guy could make the journey. Of course he did and he felt so much better afterwards.

The nights however were very different from the days.  Every night we camped, it stormed. Normally I love thunder and lightning. Even as a child I loved storms. I do not remember a time where I was scared because of the weather. My mom, my brother and I would always sit outside and watch the vibrant lightning flash across the sky and then count until the thunder came. Of course, a sure proof way to measure how far the lightning was from us. So we thought J  This time though, was different. Something about being in the middle of nowhere changed how safe I felt.  I was terrified. We were in a little tent, on the river, bordered by trees, oh and little metal poles holding the tent up, my brain couldn’t shake the thought that I’m surrounded by lightning attractors. My husband did his best to comfort me but I was too far freaked out.    The ironic part was the song that kept repeating itself in my head. “Holy Spirit you are welcome here, Come flood this place and fill the atmosphere.” And then it goes on to say, “Let us become more aware of your presence.” Even in my fear I had to laugh at the irony. I spent that whole night praying mainly for God to make it stop or to give me peace all the while I was probably missing His presence.

The next day I thought about this. How many times do I miss peace in His presence because I’m afraid? Sadly, probably more than I want to admit right now. I can be a scaredy cat. God brought to my mind Mark 4:35-41. He and his disciples were on a boat when a huge storm came. Jesus was sleeping in the back of the boat while this storm is pounding against the side. The disciples woke him asking “Do you not care that we are perishing?”  Jesus then told the sea and storm to be still. In that instance it went away and Jesus then looked at his followers and said “why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith?” Wow. Yep God, that was me.  Here I was in the middle of a storm yet I forgot who was with me. Why are you so fearful? How is it that you have no faith? These are good questions. What exactly was I afraid of? Where was my faith at that moment?  Few things show both the beauty and power of the Almighty God like a strong thunder and lightning storm but my mind was fixed on fear, not on Him. I missed a wonderful opportunity to admire Him. I do not want this to happen again. I want to sleep in the back of the boat snuggled up with Jesus knowing in His presence I will always be safe.

Father,

Thank you so much for loving me. Thank you that your faithfulness is so much greater than mine. Lord, forgive me for my fear. Forgive me for not seeing your beauty but instead being so wrapped up in my circumstances.  God I want to learn to rest in your presence. Help me with this please. Help me to keep my eyes on you and you alone.

In Jesus Holy name,

Amen.

I'm Sorry

I want to say I’m sorry.  I want to apologize to the gay community, to the divorcees, the drunks, the homeless, and to the ones hurting for not showing who Jesus really is. I watched a video this morning entitled “Why are Christians so….” The person typed this into Google and Google automatically populated the most popular searches.  Things such as “why are Christians so mean?” or “why are Christians so rude? Why are Christians so selfish?” I was heartbroken after watching. I went to the computer and tried this out for myself, and sure enough; the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Lord, forgive us! I fell to my knees and cried to God.

The word Christian means “Christ like.” Therefore, we should be able to substitute that word for Christ and get an accurate picture of Jesus. Sadly, this is NOT the case. Jesus is NOT rude. Jesus is neither judgmental nor selfish. Jesus is the one who was spit on, beat, and falsely accused yet he remained silent.(MARK 14:61) He didn’t feel the need to defend, argue, or prove his point and if we are supposed to represent him shouldn’t we do the same?  Please hear my heart. I know we need to stand up for truth but we need to do it in love.  “By mercy and truth iniquity is purged” (Proverbs 16:6).  From the sounds of it, we have the truth part down, now we just need to work on mercy.  I know that I am guilty of this. Many times I come across harsh and my words are taken wrong. I used to think it’s the world’s problem for misunderstanding me, now I know that I am the one who will be held accountable for how my words come out, not them.   I will stand before God and give an account for all my words. Matthew 12:36-37 says by my words I will be justified or condemned that depends on me!  It’s not the words of the message that we need help with; its how we tell others this message.  Instead of holding signs that say God hates sin, we need to add, and that is why he died for it! He gave his life because what he hates is the separation sin causes. God loves us so much that he paid the ultimate price to free us from the thing that was keeping us away from him.  It is our job to show Gods love.

“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35) I was definitely convicted this morning and wanted to share with everyone. I want the world to know the same Jesus that I know. I want the world to know I belong to Him and the bible tells me the ONLY way is by love. Not by how much doctrine or theology I know, not by how little I sin, or how much I go to church but how much I love others!

Father~

Forgive me. Lord you are so good and have shown me grace and mercy that I don’t deserve. You love me even though time and time again I disappoint you. Father, help me love others. Help me not judge or condemn, help me not point my fingers but open my arms. The world doesn’t need me to tell them what they are doing wrong; they need to see your love and you have chosen me to show them that. Lord, help me show the most accurate picture of your love I possibly can. Father, unite your body and bring us back to where we should be. Bring us back to that place of helping the widows and feeding the poor. Lord, the world needs you; help us show that.  Thank you God for the ones that do love. Thank you for the ones that never gave up on me and prayed for me. Jesus thank you for dying for me. Thank you for modeling grace, mercy, and love so perfectly for us. We love because you first loved us. Thank you.

In your holy holy holy name,

Amen

Camping

This week my husband and I went camping with his dad. This was the first time I had met my father in law and the first time my husband had seen him in 17 years! It was a much anticipated trip. The only thing that hindered my excitement was the weather was forecasted to rain the entire time.  I was nervous about the meeting. Wondering if he would approve of who his son chose, wondering what qualities my husband inquired because of this man. My brain was going like always; full speed. His father surprised us early and came the night before the camping trip. It was a wonderful surprise! We talked, looked at pictures, and went out to dinner. I found, like my husband, his father was very easy going. He wasn’t full of words but when he would speak up it usually made me laugh. My husband got his brilliant sense of humor from his dad. I was taken back at how similar they looked. It was almost like I could see my husband in twenty years!

One of my favorite verses of the bible is 2 Cor 5:18 “And all things are of God, who hath reconciled us to himself by Jesus Christ, and hath given to us the ministry of reconciliation” This verse has held true in my life in many ways. God has restored us first to him, and then once we are restored to him, he works on restoring our family.  Family is important to God. This weekend was a great reminder that nothing is too big for Gods reconciliation. Sometimes we may think there is too much damage done, or too much time, or the hurt is too deep but no damage was worse, or hurt more than God when we as mankind, walked away from him. It took his son, Jesus, dying on the cross to bridge that gap and bring us to reconciliation. If that wounded relationship can be made whole, I am convinced that any relationship on this earth can also be made complete. It has been remarkable watching God continually work this out in my life.

Camping was wet; very wet. The weather man was accurate and it rained, but the only thing the weather dampened was the ground. Our moods were great as our hearts were being reunited in relationship with family. It was remarkable weekend filled with laughter, God, and reconciliation. Thank you Lord!

Rest!

Rest; a dream I used to dream of; yet a reality I didn’t understand.  I am used to life being very busy. I work part time, I am a full time student, I also volunteer at my church, and of course take care of things at home. I would fantasize for years about what life would be like to just rest.  I would imagine doing nothing or going on long walks. I loved the idea of not having homework stressing me out and deadlines to meet but to just Live. Well, as it turns out God granted me that wish. He gave me the summer off of school so now I just work three days a week. Long before the school semester ended I felt God calling me to rest. He was clear with it as he usually is when he asks me to do something. I thought this was a wonderful idea ……at first.

The first week was great. I cleaned my house, read my bible, caught up with old friends. I enjoyed my week. The second week however was a little different. Cleaned my house, read my bible, most my friends were working, did some errands, went to moms, and got it all accomplished Tuesday before noon. Day two of the second week and I was ready to lose it. I was restless. A funny thing happens when your brain has nothing to stress about, it stresses about the lack of stress. I know this seems crazy but it’s true. I was going bananas!! Consequently I hurried on to the computer to see if I still had time to register for summer classes. I had to fix this problem. There was just no way I could not do anything for three months!! As I sat and logged in to the school site God gently asked me “Tara, what are you doing? This looks an awful lot like your taking matters into your own hands as you normally do, and not trusting me.”  Yep! I thought. That’s exactly what I was doing. God, you know my mind and I can’t handle doing nothing.  Except he didn’t ask me to not do anything this summer he asked me to rest. AAAAAHHHH Lord what does that look like? As I mentioned above, I am used to go go go, rest is such a foreign word to me. If God wants me to rest I need him to show me what that looks like. So instead of registering for school I prayed. I prayed a lot.

The next day a dear friend posted a blog about resting. Thank you lord!! She said rest comes from being in His presence! Just like that, God showed me what rest looks like. God isn’t asking me not do anything this summer, he is asking me to spend more time (just me and him) in his presence. In His throne room. And what an honor!! Through his son Jesus Christ I have unlimited access to the throne room.  He showed me that with my busy life I can often miss things. I’m too busy running to see him in everything but he’s there. He is omnipotent aka all over, before time, after time, beginning to the end, God is present.  He is calling me to pay attention. To rest in His presence. To enjoy His presence. To listen instead of always talking. The truth; he loves me so much he is asking to bring me closer to him this summer! What an amazing revelation!!! And to think, I almost missed it by registering for school. 

“Be still and know that I am God” psalms 46:10.  I know that he is God, but during this time God is saying to me, “My child, truly get to KNOW me, who I am. Spend time with me! It will change your life forever.”

God~

Thank you! Thank you for your wisdom spoken through a friend. Thank you for answering prayer and confirming your will towards us. I know how feeble minded I am and I love how you just gently remind me time after time. Thank you for your patience with me. Lord as your showing me to enjoy and rest in your presence I pray for a new experience with you. Help me to grow so close to you. Help me to feel your heart beat. Lord, slow my mind down to where I only hear you and your will. Help me to lay my life down so that you can dwell within me. Thank you again father for Jesus precious Blood which makes this all possible. I love you lord!

Amen

The Sheriff and I

As I was driving to work this morning I had a sheriff follow me. Instantly I am aware of his presence and my anxiety rises. He slowly backs off to run my plates per protocol.  My heart is pounding so hard you could probably hear it over the stereo.  Fear comes over me as I play ever possible scenario for him to pull me over. Finally as I near work he turns off and I let out a long sigh. I release all the breath I just held for five miles. You see, I just got my license about eight months ago. I had spent fifteen years driving with no privileges; I am sadly very aware of the routine. I’m familiar with what it’s like when I see the lights flip on and I have to pull over.  The cop approaches the car and asks for the usual: license, insurance and registration. On a good day, I would at least have the registration but most times I didn’t have any of the qualifications needed to be out driving on the road, and I would face the consequences. This happened all too often and instead of me getting a license, I would just try be a better driver. I figured if I always used my blinker, went the speed limit, followed all laws of the road, I would be in the clear; however no one can follow ALL the rules ALL the time and there would be little slips. These slips always seemed to happen with a cop behind me and the drill would repeat.  

                As I mentioned though, eight months ago I did finally get my license and insurance!!! Praise the Lord!!! God stopped me through a series of events as he usually does. I had quite a bit of garbage I had to clear up from my past before I could get it but he walked with me and in the end I am officially authorized to be on the road!!! This was a huge accomplishment for me.

                So, why the fear still? Why does my heart stop when a law enforcement officer is anywhere in my premise? I prayed about it and God showed me. “My child; you’re the only one who still sees the old you.” I thought about that for a minute. If a person pulled behind me what would they see? Well, I have pink license plate cover that states boldly “Gods Girl”, I have on my rear window a decal that says “everyone that has breath let them praise the Lord.”  I’m blasting worship music from my stereo; this scenario probably doesn’t reflect that of a trouble maker.  When the cops run my plates they see a registered car and a licensed driver! Looking at my car they see someone devoted to serving God. This is how they see me; unfortunately I remember who I was. I remember the old scenario I played for you. I remember who I was before God rescued me and I fear that they can see that person too. “Therefore if any man be In Christ he is a new creation; all things have passed away; behold ALL things become New!” (2cor 5:17)  The sheriff behind me this morning saw the New me, not the old sinner but the new saint! He didn’t look on someone struggling with bondage; instead he was following someone who has been set free by God!

                God has called me to walk in that freedom. He doesn’t want me to keep beating myself up for the sins my old nature committed but to remind the enemy that they are covered under His Sons blood! When the devil brings up old situations such as this morning, I can boldly remind him it’s not going to turn out like it used to. I am a new saint not the old sinner anymore!!!!  

Lord~

Thank you for your truth! Thank you for showing me who I am in you. Thank you lord for restoring me and setting me free from the bondage. Lord when I see those old chains help me to remember I’m not in them anymore. They have no power over me. The blood of your precious Son paid the price for all my sins and I can rest knowing I am free! I am a new creation and I need to see me the way you see me lord. Help me with that. Help me rest in you. I love you so much God and thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for your grace Father. Let my life be a reflection of my gratitude.

In Jesus precious name

Amen!