Even me.

“Ya right, Tara goes to church and found God???” Five years ago these words were spoken about me to a friend.  I had just started going to church and it really bothered my friend that someone said that to her.  To me it seemed like a logical question; even I couldn’t understand it then.  Last night I was with that same friend that it bothered, and this was mentioned in our conversation. It brought tears to my eyes thinking about it. Yep, even me, Jesus saved someone like me.

Let me take you back five years ago to help you understand why someone could say something like that. I was known as “the party.” Many people knew that I was all about painting the town red. Sex, drugs and rock and roll right? This is what I grew up hearing all over the media and this is what became important to me.  I became a professional. I could out drink most the guys I knew. Looking on the outside I was fun, free, and popular, but on the inside only I knew the truth; I was hurting, lonely, and completely lost. It was becoming more and more clear that I was only destroying myself when every morning I was waking up hung-over.  I could feel God starting to nudge me but I didn’t know anything about God or church. I hadn’t walked into a church since I was a child. I began asking friends if they believed in God or went to church. Of course, my faithful friend, the one mentioned above, answered with yes.  Well at this point I knew God was the answer and I even knew where to find him, but it took some more falling before I would actually call on him. The night I cried out to God I remember plainly. It was probably around four in the morning, the party was over, and I was feeling the effects of coming down off the nights “recreations.”  I was sitting in the middle of the floor crying in pain. I knew if I kept going this way, I would die but I didn’t know how to stop. I asked God please kill the old me, let me start over.  That was on a Friday. Sunday I went to church and I kid you not the sermon was on killing our old flesh and being made new in Christ!!! I was totally freaked out that my exact question was answered exactly by God! I turned my life over at that moment. It was just what I needed. Needless to say not everyone understood or believed that someone “like me” could find God. I certainly wasn’t “church material.”  

It makes me cry even as I write this knowing that the God who made the stars pursued me. He loves me. He died for me. He made me new! He kept his promise to me that day and every day since. With His help and by His mercy the old me is dead.  (2 Cor 5:17) I understand where that person was coming from when they said that, its craziness to think that God loved someone like me, but that’s just it, He does! I don’t understand it but am so grateful for it.  No one is too far gone. No one is too dirty for God to clean or too sinful for God to make righteous! I started reading my bible and learning scripture like “I didn’t come for the healthy, I came for the sick” Jesus says in Mark.  Or the fact that Moses who wrote down and gave the Ten Commandments, murdered someone before God called Him.  David, who is called “a man after Gods heart” committed adultery. God loves everyone and can save anyone. His love is so grand He sent His son to die so that we might know Him.  He can even use people like me, an old druggie/drunk/home wrecker who cried out in desperation.  His word says He only needs a broken and contrite heart (Psalms 51:15)

To my friend who couldn’t believe I found God, I didn’t find Him, He found me. I love God because He first loved me! Five years later, I am serving Him with my whole heart. I stumble and miss the mark sometimes but God is faithful to complete the work He started in me!(Phil 1:6)

Lord~

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving me. Thank you for redeeming and restoring me. I remember that person as many others do, but your word tells me you threw my sins away as far as the east is to the west. Thank you Father. Thank you for giving me New life IN you! God help me share this message. Help me tell my testimony to the lost and hurting; the ones who might think that they are too messed up for your grace. Lord, I know that your grace is sufficient.  Father, thank you for all you do and are doing in my life. I truly love you.

In your son’s name I pray,

Amen

I'm Sorry

I want to say I’m sorry.  I want to apologize to the gay community, to the divorcees, the drunks, the homeless, and to the ones hurting for not showing who Jesus really is. I watched a video this morning entitled “Why are Christians so….” The person typed this into Google and Google automatically populated the most popular searches.  Things such as “why are Christians so mean?” or “why are Christians so rude? Why are Christians so selfish?” I was heartbroken after watching. I went to the computer and tried this out for myself, and sure enough; the truth hit me like a ton of bricks. Lord, forgive us! I fell to my knees and cried to God.

The word Christian means “Christ like.” Therefore, we should be able to substitute that word for Christ and get an accurate picture of Jesus. Sadly, this is NOT the case. Jesus is NOT rude. Jesus is neither judgmental nor selfish. Jesus is the one who was spit on, beat, and falsely accused yet he remained silent.(MARK 14:61) He didn’t feel the need to defend, argue, or prove his point and if we are supposed to represent him shouldn’t we do the same?  Please hear my heart. I know we need to stand up for truth but we need to do it in love.  “By mercy and truth iniquity is purged” (Proverbs 16:6).  From the sounds of it, we have the truth part down, now we just need to work on mercy.  I know that I am guilty of this. Many times I come across harsh and my words are taken wrong. I used to think it’s the world’s problem for misunderstanding me, now I know that I am the one who will be held accountable for how my words come out, not them.   I will stand before God and give an account for all my words. Matthew 12:36-37 says by my words I will be justified or condemned that depends on me!  It’s not the words of the message that we need help with; its how we tell others this message.  Instead of holding signs that say God hates sin, we need to add, and that is why he died for it! He gave his life because what he hates is the separation sin causes. God loves us so much that he paid the ultimate price to free us from the thing that was keeping us away from him.  It is our job to show Gods love.

“By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” (John 13:35) I was definitely convicted this morning and wanted to share with everyone. I want the world to know the same Jesus that I know. I want the world to know I belong to Him and the bible tells me the ONLY way is by love. Not by how much doctrine or theology I know, not by how little I sin, or how much I go to church but how much I love others!

Father~

Forgive me. Lord you are so good and have shown me grace and mercy that I don’t deserve. You love me even though time and time again I disappoint you. Father, help me love others. Help me not judge or condemn, help me not point my fingers but open my arms. The world doesn’t need me to tell them what they are doing wrong; they need to see your love and you have chosen me to show them that. Lord, help me show the most accurate picture of your love I possibly can. Father, unite your body and bring us back to where we should be. Bring us back to that place of helping the widows and feeding the poor. Lord, the world needs you; help us show that.  Thank you God for the ones that do love. Thank you for the ones that never gave up on me and prayed for me. Jesus thank you for dying for me. Thank you for modeling grace, mercy, and love so perfectly for us. We love because you first loved us. Thank you.

In your holy holy holy name,

Amen