Even me.

“Ya right, Tara goes to church and found God???” Five years ago these words were spoken about me to a friend.  I had just started going to church and it really bothered my friend that someone said that to her.  To me it seemed like a logical question; even I couldn’t understand it then.  Last night I was with that same friend that it bothered, and this was mentioned in our conversation. It brought tears to my eyes thinking about it. Yep, even me, Jesus saved someone like me.

Let me take you back five years ago to help you understand why someone could say something like that. I was known as “the party.” Many people knew that I was all about painting the town red. Sex, drugs and rock and roll right? This is what I grew up hearing all over the media and this is what became important to me.  I became a professional. I could out drink most the guys I knew. Looking on the outside I was fun, free, and popular, but on the inside only I knew the truth; I was hurting, lonely, and completely lost. It was becoming more and more clear that I was only destroying myself when every morning I was waking up hung-over.  I could feel God starting to nudge me but I didn’t know anything about God or church. I hadn’t walked into a church since I was a child. I began asking friends if they believed in God or went to church. Of course, my faithful friend, the one mentioned above, answered with yes.  Well at this point I knew God was the answer and I even knew where to find him, but it took some more falling before I would actually call on him. The night I cried out to God I remember plainly. It was probably around four in the morning, the party was over, and I was feeling the effects of coming down off the nights “recreations.”  I was sitting in the middle of the floor crying in pain. I knew if I kept going this way, I would die but I didn’t know how to stop. I asked God please kill the old me, let me start over.  That was on a Friday. Sunday I went to church and I kid you not the sermon was on killing our old flesh and being made new in Christ!!! I was totally freaked out that my exact question was answered exactly by God! I turned my life over at that moment. It was just what I needed. Needless to say not everyone understood or believed that someone “like me” could find God. I certainly wasn’t “church material.”  

It makes me cry even as I write this knowing that the God who made the stars pursued me. He loves me. He died for me. He made me new! He kept his promise to me that day and every day since. With His help and by His mercy the old me is dead.  (2 Cor 5:17) I understand where that person was coming from when they said that, its craziness to think that God loved someone like me, but that’s just it, He does! I don’t understand it but am so grateful for it.  No one is too far gone. No one is too dirty for God to clean or too sinful for God to make righteous! I started reading my bible and learning scripture like “I didn’t come for the healthy, I came for the sick” Jesus says in Mark.  Or the fact that Moses who wrote down and gave the Ten Commandments, murdered someone before God called Him.  David, who is called “a man after Gods heart” committed adultery. God loves everyone and can save anyone. His love is so grand He sent His son to die so that we might know Him.  He can even use people like me, an old druggie/drunk/home wrecker who cried out in desperation.  His word says He only needs a broken and contrite heart (Psalms 51:15)

To my friend who couldn’t believe I found God, I didn’t find Him, He found me. I love God because He first loved me! Five years later, I am serving Him with my whole heart. I stumble and miss the mark sometimes but God is faithful to complete the work He started in me!(Phil 1:6)

Lord~

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for saving me. Thank you for redeeming and restoring me. I remember that person as many others do, but your word tells me you threw my sins away as far as the east is to the west. Thank you Father. Thank you for giving me New life IN you! God help me share this message. Help me tell my testimony to the lost and hurting; the ones who might think that they are too messed up for your grace. Lord, I know that your grace is sufficient.  Father, thank you for all you do and are doing in my life. I truly love you.

In your son’s name I pray,

Amen

The Sheriff and I

As I was driving to work this morning I had a sheriff follow me. Instantly I am aware of his presence and my anxiety rises. He slowly backs off to run my plates per protocol.  My heart is pounding so hard you could probably hear it over the stereo.  Fear comes over me as I play ever possible scenario for him to pull me over. Finally as I near work he turns off and I let out a long sigh. I release all the breath I just held for five miles. You see, I just got my license about eight months ago. I had spent fifteen years driving with no privileges; I am sadly very aware of the routine. I’m familiar with what it’s like when I see the lights flip on and I have to pull over.  The cop approaches the car and asks for the usual: license, insurance and registration. On a good day, I would at least have the registration but most times I didn’t have any of the qualifications needed to be out driving on the road, and I would face the consequences. This happened all too often and instead of me getting a license, I would just try be a better driver. I figured if I always used my blinker, went the speed limit, followed all laws of the road, I would be in the clear; however no one can follow ALL the rules ALL the time and there would be little slips. These slips always seemed to happen with a cop behind me and the drill would repeat.  

                As I mentioned though, eight months ago I did finally get my license and insurance!!! Praise the Lord!!! God stopped me through a series of events as he usually does. I had quite a bit of garbage I had to clear up from my past before I could get it but he walked with me and in the end I am officially authorized to be on the road!!! This was a huge accomplishment for me.

                So, why the fear still? Why does my heart stop when a law enforcement officer is anywhere in my premise? I prayed about it and God showed me. “My child; you’re the only one who still sees the old you.” I thought about that for a minute. If a person pulled behind me what would they see? Well, I have pink license plate cover that states boldly “Gods Girl”, I have on my rear window a decal that says “everyone that has breath let them praise the Lord.”  I’m blasting worship music from my stereo; this scenario probably doesn’t reflect that of a trouble maker.  When the cops run my plates they see a registered car and a licensed driver! Looking at my car they see someone devoted to serving God. This is how they see me; unfortunately I remember who I was. I remember the old scenario I played for you. I remember who I was before God rescued me and I fear that they can see that person too. “Therefore if any man be In Christ he is a new creation; all things have passed away; behold ALL things become New!” (2cor 5:17)  The sheriff behind me this morning saw the New me, not the old sinner but the new saint! He didn’t look on someone struggling with bondage; instead he was following someone who has been set free by God!

                God has called me to walk in that freedom. He doesn’t want me to keep beating myself up for the sins my old nature committed but to remind the enemy that they are covered under His Sons blood! When the devil brings up old situations such as this morning, I can boldly remind him it’s not going to turn out like it used to. I am a new saint not the old sinner anymore!!!!  

Lord~

Thank you for your truth! Thank you for showing me who I am in you. Thank you lord for restoring me and setting me free from the bondage. Lord when I see those old chains help me to remember I’m not in them anymore. They have no power over me. The blood of your precious Son paid the price for all my sins and I can rest knowing I am free! I am a new creation and I need to see me the way you see me lord. Help me with that. Help me rest in you. I love you so much God and thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you for your grace Father. Let my life be a reflection of my gratitude.

In Jesus precious name

Amen!