Sometimes I tend to forget how much God loves me. I find myself afraid of the Father I disappoint. Just like a child, when I do something I know he doesn't approve of, I hide. I know God is big and can see all, so it is more like I ignore His presence. God tells us all over His word that sin separates us from him. I know that because He is a Holy God He cannot be in the same presence where sin is. But it also makes us, His kids, run away from Him. Just like in the garden after mankind's first sin, Adam and Eve, hid.(Genesis 3:8) We feel the shame and sadness of hurting our daddy. I avoid Him because I know that I hurt him. I know that I dug the nails in deeper to my Saviors hands. Sin separates me.
God is my EVERYTHING and I hate being apart from Him. It is painful and I feel alone. It is fighting with my best friend and every day that I avoid Him is a day my heart aches unbelievably. The whole time God is reminding me of His love saying "Sweet child I love you, repent, and come back to me." He gently reaches out to me and many times I turn away. I know I just need to repent but the truth is I hate that I hurt Him. Saying sorry just doesn't seem enough to me after hurting the Maker of the Universe. But that is what repentance is, it is the difference between just saying sorry, and being truly sorry from your core. Sunday at church God put a picture in my head of my sin laying on Jesus back as the centurions flogged him. God reminded me that it wasn't just past sins Jesus was whipped and died for, but also future ones. My sins, all of my sins, were laid on Jesus and died on the Cross of Calvary. There is no more shame, no more condemnation for those in Christ. (Romans 8:1) I am covered by Jesus blood. I am saved from shame by Gods perfect grace. Thank you Lord.
Today as I opened my bible to prepare for the day God led me to read Psalms 139. "Lord, you have searched me and you know me," It says he knows All about me. Even before I am going to think a thought he knows. He knows what I am going to think before I even think about thinking it!! It says not only does He know me completely, He is everywhere. It says there is no place I can go that God is not there. It even says "If I make my bed in the depths you are there" Ok, let me get this straight. God not only knew I was going to sin before I did; He was there with me when I did. Not feeling so great about this passage thus far. Praise God it goes on to say He knit me in my mother’s womb; that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. It even says “How precious are Your thoughts about me!!!”(Psalms 139:17) That did it. I wept. The Star Breather thinks precious thoughts towards me. Wow!!! I was speechless. I fell down in my living room with my hands lifted high, praising and worshiping an amazing God that my feeble mind cannot comprehend. All I could think about is the song "How he loves me."
The passage ends with "Search me oh God, and know my heart; Test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out ANYTHING that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life" (Psalm 139:23-24) David's heart cry is my heart cry. Starting with realizing how big God is, He then reveals His Love for us, leads us to this place of total submission where we want to surrender anything and everything that hinders us from His love. I needed that today. I needed reminded of how deep His love is for me. The way he delicately knit me together and His thoughts towards Tara. Oh how He loves me!!!!!
Jesus,
Precious Father, Holy Almighty God, thank you!! Many times I am at a loss for words when it comes to expressing my gratitude. There simply isn’t words for how much I love you and how thankful I am. I know who I am apart from you God, and I thank you for who You say I am. I praise you for who I am IN You!! Thank you Jesus for giving up your life for somebody like me. For taking my sins, all my sins to that cross with you. Your word says You bore my sins, that I might die to sin and live righteously. By Your wounds I am healed! (1 Peter 2:24) You took the penalty for me Jesus and for that I am eternally grateful. I will use my life to praise you always. Like David's cry God please keep searching me and remove anything that isn’t of you. God no matter what, no matter how painful, Lord purge me of ungodliness. Make me more like you. Thank you Father for loving me and caring so much!!
In Your Holy name;
Amen
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