Looking Back

A few years ago to the day I went through the hardest trial of my life to date.  One that shook so hard at my core I wanted to die. Psychologists diagnosed me as officially traumatized.  It was terrible and a true test of faith. Now, I’m not saying my faith was being tested because I can assure you I would’ve failed. I didn’t have faith at that time.  I was a Christian and I knew God however, this event was either going to make my faith that much stronger or I was going to walk away from God all together.  I was so upset with Him because I knew that all my days are ordained by Him therefore; He saw this catastrophe coming and didn’t stop it. I also knew that He was the only one who could restore me. He was the only one who could heal me. My emotions were very conflicting. When a person is that broken the only thing one could do was cling to the bible. I couldn’t sleep so I would read my bible; I took my bible to work, every available moment I was reading that book. I couldn’t be left alone with my own thoughts and imagination. I had to fill every space of my brain with Gods word.  I cried, I yelled, I hurt but I knew if God loved me like my head understood, like his word says, He would make it right. His word promises that He will work out all things for the good to those who love him and are called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). That was me.  I desperately needed this to be true.

Well, one day during this trauma, I was driving over a hill going 70 mph when I thought how easy it would be to slightly turn my wheel and off the cliff I would go. Problem solved.  I could take my hands off the wheel and look towards the heavens where I could soon be. God however, gave me a vision instead. He showed me the wreck; I saw the fireman and police investigating the accident. They were easily able to determine it was self inflicted. I also saw Him. Jesus, my sweet and precious friend.  He met me and held me in His arms so tight as I looked down at the damage I caused. I remember I could feel His heart and my heart beating together in unison. He looked at me with the softest eyes I had ever seen. He understood my hurt. Jesus knows hurt. He was beaten and betrayed by the people He loved so much He died for. Jesus weeps. (John 11:35) I felt so safe and loved in His arms. He then spoke the words I didn’t want to hear. “You have to go back.” Please no! I begged Him to let me stay with Him. “I promise everything will be ok.” He replied and at that point I snapped back to reality. I was over the hill now and about to arrive safely at my destination. I hadn’t thought about this in the last two years but yesterday it was all I could think about.  I spent the day reflecting over the journey. I spent the day in awe of what God has done to restore me in such a short time.  He has healed me as His word said He would.  Not only that, He truly has given me life more abundantly than I ever thought possible!  Many tears were shed yesterday because I KNOW His love. I have witnessed it firsthand.  

I still sometimes look at the scars of that event and can feel the pain but, God reminds me not to look at the hurt instead to look at His love. I would never want to go through it again but honestly, I am so thankful for it. I truly know what it feels like to be carried in Jesus pierced hands; to be held by His love. God does keep His promises. Every word in the Bible is true and steadfast.  This is hard for me to write especially knowing everyone can read it, but I want to give hope to anyone going through a challenging time.  I think about that vision and at the time, I wouldn’t have believed where He was going to take me. I wouldn’t have thought for a moment I would be where I am in such a short time. God sincerely is the God of miracles and at any time He can open the sky and rescue you.  Don’t lose hope. Cling to His word and His people. He carries His children and one day you can look back and see that His promises held true.  This was a test of faith and I praise God because my walk with the Lord is now so personal and intimate. He is genuinely the lover of my soul! And for that…. It was worth it.